Training Children Part 5

M. Train self-motivation, that they should be diligent and dutiful without oversight. PRO 6:6-8; PHIL 2:12. N. Train independence, that they should not follow the herd of swine off the cliff, and that they should work toward freedom to form their own lives as adults. ROM 12:2; 1CO 15:33; GEN 2:24. O. Train enthusiasm, to live godly with great zeal and spirit. ECC 9:10; ROM 12:11; COL 3:22-24. P. Train discipline, that they should learn the value of denying themselves and pushing on in doing well in spite of weariness. 1CO 9:24-27; TIT 2:12; GAL 6:9. Q. Train honesty, that they learn the value of a good name and to own up to fault rather than resort to lying, hiding, blame-shifting, counter-accusing, false expediency, etc. PRO 12:22; 22:1; ROM 12:17 ct/w GEN 3:12; EXO 32:21-24. R. Train patience, that they learn that rewards and goals should be “learned and earned” and immediate gratification, easy riches or perfect equity are unwise expectations. PSA 37:7; ECC 7:8; PRO 20:21; 13:11; ROM 2:7; 1PE 2:20. S. Train friendliness, that they learn to relate well to others and choose good companions. PRO 18:24; 27:10, 17; 13:20; PSA 119:63. T. Train orderliness, that there is a time and place for everything and orderliness saves time. 1CO 14:40; EPH 5:15-16. U. Train resilience, that they do what is right in spite of uncertainty. ECC 9:11; 11:6. V. Train courage and positivity, especially in doing right. HEB 13:6; PHIL 4:13. W. Train doing good, the great example and command of our Lord. ACT 10:38; MAT 5:43-48. X. Train personal responsibility and accountability to counter tendencies of making excuses or rationalizing poor behavior. Make sure that they see a good example in you. PRO 22:13; MAT 25:25. X. Bringing up children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord includes training by disciplinary punishment. A. Initial observations. 1. This is an area of child-training which can be both a challenge to the wisdom of men and also of your faith. 2. Dr. Benjamin Spock (pro-abortion pediatrician) integrated the philosophies of Sigmund Freud and John Dewey into his errant views on child-training: “John Dewey and Freud said that kids don’t have to be disciplined into adulthood but can direct themselves toward adulthood by following their own will.” (https://archive.nytimes.com/www.nytimes.com/learning/general/onthisday/bday/0502.html) 3. Dr. Spock himself later realized that his notions of letting children follow their own will were terribly flawed: “‘If she was a type who could be progressively intimidated, her baby could turn into a tyrant in six months. He could not only learn to stay awake until 10 or 11 o'clock at night but demand that his exhausted mother carry him around in her arms.’ Dr. Spock took that problem into account in 1954, when he began to prepare revisions. As he put it later, ‘I wrote that more mothers got into difficulty from being afraid to give firm leadership than from being too rigid. And I put more emphasis on the rights of parents, on the need for firm parental leadership, and on my conviction that firmness makes for not only better- behaved children but for happier ones.’” (Ibid.) 4. Scripture is the ultimate child psychology book from the ultimate Parent, God. The wise will exalt its wisdom over the contrary wisdom of fallible men. We are not wiser than God. PSA 119:128; PRO 29:15. B. Punishment comes in two forms: natural and artificial. 1. Natural punishment is the obvious consequence of wrongdoing such as loss or injury. a. Example: A child through wilful neglect or a foul mood ruins his favorite possession. Parents do well to not haste to replace the object. b. Example: A child insists on playing with forbidden things and ends up with an injury. c. Parents do wrong to shield children from all potentials for consequential punishment. Where there is not an obviously debilitating consequence to a misdeed, sometimes it is wise to let the child feel the sting of his own actions. d Consider how God thus teaches us. PRO 1:29-31. 2. Artificial punishment is a devised means of punishment to help a child associate pain, disappointment or hardship with wrongdoing. a. This may take the form of lost privileges or imposed duty. b. This may take the form of beating (infliction of repeated blows): a Biblical directive for the shaping of a child's character. c. Every misdeed need not be dealt with by beating/spanking but rebellion should meet with the rod of correction. Discern between ignorant disobedience and presumptuous, defiant disobedience. LUK 12:47-48. d. Children will NOT outgrow rebellion. PRO 22:15; 19:18. e. The Law of Moses dealt severely with the stubborn, rebellious child who had been properly trained. DEU 21:18. f. God draws strong lines at rebellion and stubbornness. 1SAM 15:23. C. When the time comes for artificial punishment, particularly beating, consider: 1. Is the punishment for the good of the child or is it just the volcanic reaction of a parent frustrated by his/her own irresponsibility, irritability, etc.? 2. Is it taking frustrations with your spouse out on the child? 3. Is it taking frustrations out on the child for pain or perceived injustices in one’s own upbringing? 4. Is it taking frustrations out on someone too small to retaliate YET or too small to learn to hate an overreactive parent YET? D. Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child and is to be driven out by the rod. PRO 22:15. 1. foolishness: The quality or condition of being foolish. 2. foolish: Fool-like; wanting in sense or judgment. 3. fool: n. One deficient in judgement or sense, one who acts or behaves stupidly, a silly person, a simpleton. (In Biblical use applied to vicious or impious persons.). 4. rod: A straight, slender shoot or wand, growing upon or cut from a tree, bush, etc. 2. An instrument of punishment, either one straight stick, or a bundle of twigs bound together. to spare the rod, etc. 5. Don’t be wiser than God and try to purge foolishness from the child’s heart by overlooking it, pacifying it, buying it off, etc. E. The rod is an instrument of chastening. PRO 13:24. 1. chasten: To inflict disciplinary or corrective punishment on; to visit with affliction for the purpose of moral improvement; to correct, discipline, chastise. 2. The purpose for chastening a child is to teach him that irresponsible actions have painful consequences. 3. Training a child to associate punishment with transgression trains him to understand the justice of God and the chastisement of Christ for our sins. ISA 53:5. 4. If a child is always shielded from the consequences of misbehavior, he will not be prepared for adult life. 5. If a child does not consider the pain of his chastening grievous, he may not be getting the appropriate measure of chastening. HEB 12:11. 6. The rod should produce real tears/crying (PRO 19:18) and most any parent can tell when the tears/crying are phony. F. The rod of chastening is a tool of instruction for the child to impart wisdom to him. PRO 29:15. 1. The object of training a child is to impart wisdom since wisdom will direct the child in the way which he should go and so bring his life to its fullest potential. PRO 4:7-13. 2. Two things are needed to impart wisdom: the rod and reproof. a. reprove: To reject. 2. To express disapproval of (conduct, actions, beliefs, etc.); to censure, condemn. 3. To reprehend, rebuke, blame, chide, or find fault with (a person). b. The application of the rod without a notion of disapproval of conduct being conveyed along with it leaves a child in bewildered pain, not wiser. G. Establish sound disciplinary patterns when the child is young. PRO 13:24. 1. betimes: At an early time, period, or season; early in the year; early in life. 2. Early correction will likely see a gradual reduction of beatings and late starters have their work cut out for them but “better late than never.” Eventually, a consistent change in the power-shift should convince a child that Dad and Mom mean business. 3. Very small children will not understand verbal rebuke or reasoning, but they will understand physical pain. a. Associating pain with dangerous behavior or misbehavior is the best way to help them know what is wrong. b. Repeat the word “no” during the punishment which reinforces to a little child what that word means. c. Over time, verbal rebuke can be effective in warning about a wrong or a danger. H. Do not resort to escalating anger or shouting to get action. Use action to get action. 1. Some parents repeat their instructions with increasing loudness until they reach an exploding point when they finally take action. This trains the child: a. to recognize that point of action and obey only then. b. that he has several chances to disobey. c. to think that screaming is an acceptable way to enforce one's will. 2. While anger may be revealed in punishing a child, it should not be the punishment in and of itself and it should be controlled. 3. Adult screaming and frustration produce a disrespect in the mind of the child because he perceives your inability to control him or yourself. a. Children will test your leadership to see if it is worthy of respect. b. Children respect strength and courage as is evident in the characters they select as heroes. c. Children will test to see if the rules hold. 4. Adult anger and frustration can also turn the event into a personal vendetta rather than training the child for his own good. I. Do not let the child's tears dissuade you from administering appropriate discipline. PRO 19:18. J. Give consideration to sickness or fatigue when a child's conduct is less than sterling but avoid using those things as excuses for a child's intolerable behavior. Children will figure out how to manipulate you by feigned sickness or fatigue to get their way and avoid chastening. K. The chastening parent is to be reverenced (HEB 12:9). Do not allow a child to express contempt for your rule and discipline. It is just as important to train attitudes as it is to train actions. L. Here are some guidelines for effective punishment. 1. Don't lose control. EPH 6:4. 2. Be consistent. This helps the child know what behavior will not be tolerated. 3. Match the punishment to the person. The level of punishment appropriate to a nine-year-old would not be appropriate to a three-year-old. 4. Match the punishment to the misdeed. Childish slip-ups are one thing. Rebellion is a different story. 5. Do not let a child take advantage of your concerns about punishing in public. Promise the child that the rod will be administered upon returning home and then keep the promise. 6. Be thorough. Make an impression upon the child. Make it hurt. 7. Do not lose sight of the objective of chastening. a. Chastisement should be for the benefit of the child rather than a venting of your frustrations. b. The objective of discipline is to correct and direct the child, not to make him think that he cannot do anything right. COL 3:21. 8. Have a beginning and an end. a. Begin by explaining the reason for the punishment. b. End with complete forgiveness and restoration. Affection after punishment shows that the behavior, not the child, was detested. You thus train the child to understand God's mercy. PSA 103:8-14. c. The child needs to perceive that what you do for him and to him to train him is because you love him, care for him and want what is best for him. 9. Remember, discipline of children and imposing restraints upon them can save them from hell in this life caused by their own folly or being unprepared for life in a real world of laws, civil powers, bosses, rules, rewards and punishments. PRO 23:13-14. 10. Do not allow a child to develop a pattern of always apologizing his way out of punishment. Know your child and be sensitive to trends. 11. Parents should agree on their punishment policy and share in its application lest one parent be deemed the ogre. 12. Do not be a pushover or your children will ignore what you say. GEN 19:14. 13. The disciplined child brings rest and delight. PRO 29:17 c/w HEB 12:11. XI. Summary for parents. A. Make Jesus Christ and spiritual priorities preeminent in your life and your home. B. Be the manipulator, not the manipulated. C. Set a good example in words, attitude, principles, conduct. D. Reward good behavior, punish bad behavior. Do not confuse these principles. E. Rule them or they will rule you. F. Expect disappointment, not flawlessness. G. Love them godly with tenderness, boundaries, corrections and support. H. Prepare them for the realities of this world and the next world.