Training Children Part 3

J. Remember, you will train your children one way or another. But will you train them in the way they should go, as PRO 22:6 commands? 1. For example, consider training a small child not to touch something.  a. You can keep it within his reach and train him not to touch it by punishing him if he touches it. (1) This teaches him to obey the command not to touch. (2) This teaches him to restrain himself even in the presence of a forbidden object that is accessible. (3) This prepares him for the real world, where things are well within the reach of little children. Likewise it prepares the child for adult life where actions have consequences. b. You can put it beyond his reach. (1) This teaches him that is off-limits only if it is out of reach. (2) This does not teach him to respect your command not to touch. (3) This does not prepare him for the real world, where things are well within the reach of little children. Likewise, it does not prepare the child for adult life where actions have consequences. 2. Consider how you are training when you allow a child to get his way by persistent begging and whining. a. Tolerating whining is training a child in conduct which God despises. (1) whine: “To utter a low somewhat shrill protracted sound or cry, usually expressive of pain or distress; to cry in a subdued plaintive tone...2. To utter complaints in a low querulous tone; to complain in a feeble, mean, or undignified way.” (2) murmur: “To make, produce, or emit a low continuous sound... 2. To complain or repine in low muttered tones; to give vent to an inarticulate discontent, to grumble.” (3) See 1CO 10:10; PHIL 2:14; JUDE 1:16. b. You are training the child that persistent begging and whining pay off. By contrast, you should be training a child that the way to get their point across is by respectful entreaty. c. The way to end persistent begging and whining is not by rewarding it, nor by ignoring it, but by punishing it with a gift: give the child something to really cry about. d. Remember, the parent is the one that is supposed be doing the manipulating, not the child. 3. Or, what lesson is a child learning who is given everything he wants when he wants it? Do not be surprised if such a child grows up to be overweight and floundering in debt. 4. Or how are you training a child when you do everything for him? Do not be surprised if he grows up shirking responsibility. You trained him that way. VIII. Effective parenting to bring up a child in the nurture and admonition of the Lord does not require flawless leadership and training. But it does mean maintaining a positive course that takes into consideration the power of love, natural affection, foibles of human nature, discipline, and the contrary influences of this world which will handicap parent and child in the developmental regimen. The effective parent will be training himself while figuring out how to train the child. A. There are some obvious obstacles to effective parenting. 1. There is a battle for the mind of the child. a. This is witnessed as a child comes into contact with neighborhood friends, school, the media and society. b. The situation is much more pronounced now than in earlier generations due to a general deterioration of society's morals, the plethora of distracting and too-often corrupting media, and the reduction of people who share Biblical values. c. Beware of letting “the world” determine your child’s training, experiences and reward system. We are not to be conformed to this world where we have better knowledge from God’s word as to how things should be done. The course of this world, without restraint and guidance, is the path of destruction. ROM 12:2; EPH 2:1-2. 2. Complete isolation from the world is an imperfect answer. 1CO 5:9-10. a. At some point a child is going to have to exercise his senses to discern between good and evil in society and in what he permits or denies in his own life. This is where training comes in. ISA 7:16. b. Forbidding a child to have any exposure at all to negative or competitive influences is to ill prepare him for the real world. c. Conversely, overexposing a child to negative or competitive influences is to virtually guarantee his moral pollution. 1CO 15:33; PRO 13:20. d. Somewhere between the extremes of overprotection and overpermissiveness is a reasonable approach. e. A noble goal is to strive to make home-life such a positive thing that the aberrant behavior of the world holds out nothing alluring to a child. 3. The structure of modern society poses handicaps to successful parenting. a. The pressures of cultural trends and devalued currency (inflation, monetized debt, etc.) have encouraged the habit of both parents working outside the home, which usually means that children are trained/cared for by someone other than their mother, or that they become “latch-key” children left to themselves (an unhealthy model, PRO 29:15). b. The digital age has taken over everything, and the spiritual, emotional, psychological, neurological and moral consequences of digital “connection” are evident everywhere. c. Schools with extracurricular activity dominate large chunks of time. d. Age groups are isolated for large blocks of time creating a peer culture. Strong horizontal relationships tend to weaken vertical relationships. e. The increase of material goods tends to lessen the need for human relationships. B. The Biblical ideal for effective parenting and wholesome family life is DEUT 6:4-9. 1. Normal life is to be saturated with the plan, presence and love of God which teaches His care of us, selflessness, humility and devotion to higher principles than lust. 2. This exhortation was timely in view of what would be encountered in Canaan: a. Affluence. DEUT 8:6-18. b. Competitive religions. DEUT 12:1-3, 29-31. c. Seductive women. DEUT 7:3-4. d. Alternate commandment-free lifestyles (deathstyles?). LEV 18. 3. God's preparatory directives for Israel are as relevant today as then. Parents: Prepare your children for contest with Canaan. C. There are costs to effective parenting. 1. Evaluate children in a long-term perspective. It is easy to reckon other demands of time more important when children are small. 2. The rich young ruler would not make needed adjustments in his lifestyle. MAR 10:13-27. 3. Personal freedoms such as leisure time, habits, words and phrases and evaluations made in the presence of children may have to go. 4. Because of a lack of time due to numerous involvements, a parent may handle problems in the home with haste and force when patience and understanding would prove more effective. 5. An effective parent must have a definition of success which differs from that of the world. Submission to God's claims relative to parenting may be painful and costly. D. The effective parent will lead first of all by example. 1. You want to teach a child diligence. Does your work ethic agree with what you want the child to embrace? 2. You want the child to prioritize spiritual things. a. Is your day so overwhelmed with work and the cares of life that Scripture is choked out? LUK 8:14. b. Is your faith little or great when it comes to matters of everyday needs? MAT 6:25-34. c. Does your child have any doubts that prayer is a vital part of your life? d. Does your attitude towards God's house leave the child with the impression that you value it very highly? 3. You want the child to learn patience. Are you patient with others? with your child? Are you patient in the matter of acquisitions or are you impulsive? 4. You want the child to learn endurance. Do you just quit that household or yard task at the first hint of sweat or fatigue? 5. You want the child to learn to handle frustration and disappointment with dignity and patience. Do you “lose it” when a planned outing is cancelled or if something breaks down or if you see someone driving foolishly? 6. You want the child to learn that life is not defined by material acquisitions. LUK 12:15. a. Do you have any room left in your garage or closet? b. Do you smother the child with stuff as if you think by that to buy the child's affection or obedience? c. An empty cardboard box is full of imagination. E. The effective parent will also lead through verbal communication. 1. Words may build or destroy. PRO 18:21. 2. Instruction should be: a. clear. Is the instruction expressed as a wish or a command? As a child develops positive patterns, less instruction should be needed. b. well-defined and within the child's comprehension and ability to perform. (1) Time limits may be helpful because time passes slowly for a child. (2) A timer or a suitable sweep-hand kitchen clock can help even little children gain a perspective on time (“...when the big hand points to ---, you should be all done.”). (3) NOTE: Whereas a newborn cannot be held accountable to verbal commands, do not underestimate a young child’s ability to know what you are commanding when he doesn’t even yet have the ability of verbal dialogue. (4) “Your temptation will be to wait until your children are speaking and able to articulate their rebellion before you deal with it. When our oldest child was approximately 8 months old, we were confronted with parenting our first mobile child. He crawled everywhere. We had a bookshelf constructed of boards and bricks. Fearing the shelf would fall on him, Margy told him not to pull himself up by the shelf. After moving him away from the shelf, she left the room. As she peeked in on him, she observed him surveying the room. Not seeing her, he headed back toward the forbidden bookshelf. Here was a young child, not yet able to walk or to talk, looking to see if the coast was clear so he could disobey. Obviously, he was old enough to be disciplined.” (Tedd Tripp, Shepherding a Child’s Heart, Second Edition, p. 152) c. certain. Do not train your child to respond only to increased volume of command or vain repetition. He will quickly figure out that you didn’t really mean it the first time. 3. Here are four types of parents that fail in verbal leadership. a. The dishonest parent. This one doesn't check for results when a command is given. He/she doesn't mean what he/she says. Responsible leaders will check for results. LUK 19:15; 2CO 9:2-3. b. The threatening parent. This one is really offering choices. Is disobedience worth more than what the parent threatened would happen, especially when the child knows that the parent will just keep on offering the threat for a while? c. The exploding parent. This one merely throws tantrums, causing the child to focus more on the parent's reaction than on the ethic of his own behavior. (1) This parent is merely causing the child an inconvenience. (2) The message is basically, “Do as you wish if you can stand the heat.” d. The disinterested or silent parent. “Do what you want, just don't bother me.” This parent is in essence telling the child that he doesn't really care about him. F. The effective parent strives to teach abilities to the children. 1. A parent will teach every day whether by design or neglect. 2. Abilities are taught through planning family experiences. 3. Take advantage of opportunities to have a child assist in responsibility. a. A child should feel that he has a role to play in the family's success and survival. b. Adjust the responsibility level according to age and ability. JOH 16:12. c. An example of a chance to share responsibility might be something like repairing a bicycle. (1) A lazy father would postpone or ignore the job. (2) A busy father might just quickly do it himself. (3) A wise father would take time to demonstrate how the repair is done and seek assistance from his child. This is an opportunity to teach diagnosis, proper tool selection and maintenance. 4. Expose the child to skills other than your own and provide opportunities for cultivation if interest in a healthy area is sensed. 5. Take time to interrogate so as to stimulate and challenge the child's mind. G. The effective parent strives to teach values to the children. 1. Values are taught through lifestyle as well as words. Know the value of exposure to your manners of response, evaluation and overall conduct. 2. Through mass media, social media and public education, children today are exposed to many rival models of behavior. Be forewarned and guard accordingly! 3. Create experiences to jam the family together for learning such as games, quizzes, trips or picnics. 4. Conduct in the house is a great area for modeling. How is your marriage and how do you handle stress and disagreement? H. The effective parent will strive to be approachable. 1. How do you respond to repeated busy signals on the phone or to unreturned calls, emails, texts, etc.? 2. Are you open, responsive and concerned with your child? Or do you frequently respond with: “Wait until later,” or “I don't care what you do.” How do children feel about THESE “busy signals?” 3. Consider how important you figure in a child's world. a. Don't try to buy off kids with money and stuff. That can warp a child's values. b. It is really you that your child needs and desires, not your wallet. 4. David was comforted with the approachableness of God his heavenly Father. PSA 4:3. 5. Consider why some parents do not listen well. a. They would rather speak because they deem their information more important. b. They have trained themselves to listen to only what they deem important. c. They do not know how to listen. (1) They do not know how to interpret gestures, facial expressions, word choices, posture, timing, etc. (2) The average parent can reflect upon their own childhood to gain insights into the expressive techniques of children. 6. Consider some things to listen for. a. Questions, which are not only a child's way of getting information, but also to see whether or not a parent can be relied upon and whether or not a parent is interested in the child. b. Mood changes, which may indicate a need for affection because the child feels unloved or alone. c. Downgrading remarks about self, which may indicate that the child is struggling with guilt issues or burdened about failure. This child needs affirmation. d. Looks of disappointment, which may simply mean a trumped will or may indicate some healthy intention has been frustrated. (1) The disappointed look of a trumped will may need a lesson in humility and submissiveness. (2) The disappointed look of frustrated good intention needs to be assured that the thought and effort are more valuable than the outcome. 7. Consider some important times to listen. a. Bedtime, which may be the child's closing efforts to make right the wrongs of the day or to seek reassurance of love and security. b. Moments of exhilaration or creativity, which are a child's expression of personal delight and satisfaction, and also a way of saying, “See, I'm trying....,” or “See, this is what motivates me...” c. Moments of penitence, during which a child is needing to “unload” something and to gain assurance of a parent's continued love. d. Moments of fear or failure, which need a parent's attention and assurance. e. Moments when alone together, because every child needs prime time with Dad or Mom alone. Our model is set by our interaction with God. MAT 6:6. 8. Do not wall off large areas of conversation by obstinate refusal to listen, which may encourage a child to tell you nothing or only tell you what you want to hear to pacify you. a. Try to distinguish independent thought from rebellion. (1) Rebellion is not when a child is trying to accomplish or express something in his own manner. (2) Rebellion is when a specific, no-option expectation is defied. b. By overreacting to any deviation from a parent’s standards, a parent may teach a child that it is unwise to tell the parent everything. 9. Explosive raging at moral failure can provoke excuses whereas understanding may inspire confession. a. God is forgiving and approachable when we err. 1JO 1:9; 2:1-2. b. Approachability reduces the number of defense mechanisms. I. The effective parent will be vigilant (wakeful, watchful, keeping steadily on the alert; attentively or closely observant). 1. Be foresightful rather than impulsive. An impulsive parent loses contact with circumstances, then overreacts or underreacts. 2. Know the child in terms of the situation and his ability. Know what to expect and know the ultimate objective of the growth process. PSA 144:12; LUK 2:52. 3. Be sensitive to: a. youthful fatigue. Children need more hours of sleep when young and it is virtually guaranteed that irritability will indicate needed nap-time. (1) Overdriving little children is unfair and unhealthy. GEN 33:13. (2) On the other hand, never letting a child experience the need to “push through” when tired is to shield the child from rising above his own expectations. b. inner struggles. Everyone has a bad day from time to time. Mercy is to be remembered in the home as much as anywhere. MAT 5:7. c. trends of opinion in informal conversation. This is a clue as to what is going on in a child's heart. MAT 12:34. d. performance in critical situations. (1) The child who struggles with critical situations may be hampered by fear, feelings of inadequacy or plain old laziness. (2) The child who handles critical situations well is showing character sufficient to move up the ladder of responsibilities. e. behavior after being with friends. Is the child influential or influenced? (1) Cultivate from early age in the child the superiority of principles over popularity. (2) Encourage your child that he/she can be a positive influence on peers instead of going along with the crowd. (3) Encourage friendships for your child with youth of good character and shared values. (4) Sometimes the only way to save a child from being negatively influenced by friends is to discourage or even forbid such friends. Note God’s pro-active mercy in GEN 19:16. f. evaluations of self, others or events. Is the child rationalizing bad behavior, bitter, belittling others or exaggerating? g. potential situations of conflict. Diffuse the potential for conflict instead of reacting with anger and frustration when the crisis breaks out. PRO 22:3. (1) Example: A long family car trip has the potential for all kinds of conflict as weariness, boredom and cramped confines set the stage for irritability. Plan travel time to allow for stops. Encourage constructive activity while in the car to “eat up the miles.” (2) Example: The drudgery of household chores can be softened by limiting excess stuff and rotating jobs among siblings. 4. Consider three principles of vigilance. a. Know the stress-limits of the child. A child has three high points of emotional pressure: (1) Insecurity, or not knowing what to depend on. aa. Insecurity may be manifested by babyishness, aggressiveness, stomach ache, etc. A child may be wondering if he is really cared for. bb. Consistency in the home helps to meet the need for security. If a disruption in the routine of the home is foreseen, take extra pains to reassure the child. cc. Knowing that he has a secure home environment goes a long way to the positive development of a child. (2) Puberty, a time when powerful hormonal changes can cause considerable emotional fluctuations. aa. A vigilant parent would forewarn a child as to what to expect and would respond with understanding. bb. A vigilant parent would also make it clear that the emotional changes that attend puberty do not excuse the child from respect and duty in the home. The world into which the child is being thrust does not generally excuse bad attitude, behavior or performance because of emotional issues. (3) Youthful competition and pride, which are two sides of the same coin. aa. The extremes are the overachiever who must always win or the apathetic underachiever who is reluctant to try. bb. A parent may have to deflate destructive pride or encourage a a crushed spirit. cc. Pride may be an issue in both cases. Sometimes underachieving is due to one being too proud of self to submit to the possibility of not measuring up to or besting others. dd. Children need to be encouraged that the victory is in the trying, not the winning, while knowing also that success must be based on merit. b. Establish rules of conduct. (1) Clearly define rules in terms that the child can understand and check to see if there was comprehension. (2) Avoid impromptu, unpredictable rules that are made on the strength of force alone. (3) Establish godly behavioral laws which admit to no exceptions and consistently enforce them, such as: truthfulness, respect for those in authority, respect for other's property, respect for God and His name, etc. (4) Establish convictions: things judged right or wrong in view of what is deemed better or best. Examples: diet, arrival times, rising early, orderliness, etc. c. Establish a process of decision-making. (1) Consider the personal history and situation of the child rather than basing the decision on incomplete information. Example: Is an oversight an obvious rebellion or a childish error? (2) A thorough knowledge of the child's demeanor should provide the answer to the above question and should bear upon your response. (3) In dealing with transgression, consider the temptation and ask yourself if you provoked it. EPH 6:4. (4) What is the long-term growth effect of a decision? (5) Determine where exceptions can be made. Exceptions can be made on personal convictions, not on laws.